Many throughout history have asked the question: “What is Love?” Love is defined as ‘a strong positive emotion of regard and affection’. As I sit here, I find myself thinking about love and about the other emotions and experiences the true feeling brings with it. Some people say that Love brings joy, or happiness, or trust, or even pleasure. But what about pain? Agony? Disturbance? Anger? In the spring of 2009, I began to fall for someone I thought was very special. Someone who made me “happy”. Someone who made me feel “joy”. Someone who brought out the side in me that I forget existed. Someone who made me feel that there may be good things in the world for me instead of the loneliness and the frustration I had been experiencing for so long. Someone who I eventually grew to “love” and “trust”. Someone I actually risked my reputation and life as I knew it for. It wasn’t until 9 months later that I saw the truth, when everything I had was ripped away from me. I know now that I was only fooling myself into believing there are good things out there and that there may actually be such a thing in life as happiness. Love is not about happiness, or trust, or joy. Love is an evil creature that wraps itself around you and all you have. Love is like a drug. It’s out there to make you feel good while your are using it, but eventually you have to either get it out of your life or it will kill you. Love is not a positive emotion. Instead, it is simply a figment of ones imagination, masquerading around in your mind, giving you something to hope and dream for. And when you start to think you are finally experiencing the greatness that is love and you lower your defenses, invite this “love” into your home, into your heart, it removes the mask showing itself for what it truly is, a parasite. Like a parasite that releases endorphins to make you feel good in the beginning, while all the time it is sucking away at your soul. It rears its ugly head, takes all it has gotten a hold of in you and crushes it to bits until you have no choice else but to submit to its power. And in the end, what do you get? Pain, agony, anger, hurt. And not your normal pain, or hurt. No, it’s the kind that’s always going to be a part of you. You hear a song, you see a flower, you smell a familiar smell, and when you are least expecting it, bam, there it is again. Torturing you, tormenting you, reminding you…
Life has a funny way of teaching us. Ever notice that while you remember the good times in the past, the most vivid memories are the ones in which you were hurt, be it physically or emotionally? I wonder why that is. A wise man by the name of George Santayana once said “Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.” Perhaps that is why the bad memories tend to stick with us. They serve as a constant reminder of the mistakes we have made and the outcome that would rise should we repeat them. If the last year of my life has taught me one thing, it has taught me this… Love is for fools. Love is for the weak that do not have the willpower to withstand its powerful attraction. Love is not for me. Nope. I have tested those waters. I have lived that pleasure and have fallen to the resulting pain. Well Mr. Santayana, I can promise you this. I will heed your words. I will not forget. I will remember and I will NOT repeat this. Nope. Love has taught me a lesson. It has taught me that being alone, pure solitude, that is the life for me. That is what my future holds, and trying to change the future will only lead to far worse consequences. You win, Love, you win. I submit to your control and I will walk the road you wish for me to walk.
For those of you that have not yet experienced the “happiness” they call Love, I urge you to stop looking. Stay away, for you too shall be burned. For those of you already caught in its evil spell, I can only hope that you are able to escape its clutches only mildly burned. And for those of you who doubt what I say, think I am wrong, I will say it now… Best of luck to you, but when the time comes just remember… “I told you so”